Although new beginnings are associated with a “fresh start” or “opportunity” or “hope,” I’ve already started what I’m about to begin several times, and failed. As I will discuss further over the next days, weeks, months, and years, I have had issues with food since I began adolescence. Those have morphed and changed form over time. Now, I’m in a mostly health place, but still binge eat from time to time. While my weight is unremarkable, I’m very uncomfortable with how I look. This isn’t a lack of acceptance or “feeling fat” — I am legitimately more heavy than is attractive for my frame. Mostly, I’m unhappy with the fact that I would naturally be probably 10-20 pounds thinner than I am now if I didn’t consume vast quantities of junk food 2-3 times per week, without consistently exercising.
My issues are complicated, and it’s taken me a long time to get to where I sit today. It will take me awhile to explain. In the meantime, I am determined to get unstuck. While I have definitely made mental progress, my eating habits are not significantly than they were in 2006 (or may be earlier). Sure, I’ve made mental progress — I no longer panic after bingeing, and my binges are smaller than they used to be (since I stopped panicking afterwards), but the fact is, I’m still not as healthy or as happy as I could be. At this point, it’s just habit that’s holding me back. No “epiphany” or “ah ha” moment will magically cause me to stop eating the way I do. And I don’t engage in any crazy restrictive behaviors that would cause binges in a healthy person. In many ways, food is my “drug.” If I want to stop, I just need to stop. Like any addict, I am writing this after a day of bingeing. But I’m done. Right now. The fact that I’ve decided to change doesn’t mean that it will be easy or that I won’t sometimes miss old behaviors. I know that I will. But, it’s time to move forward. I’ve been battling the same demons for waaaayyyyy too long, and a lot of it is simply laziness–psychological, emotional, and otherwise.
Some information about me—
I am just over 5’10”
I was born in 1984
I will post my current weight tomorrow. and periodically after that
I will run a marathon 12 weeks from Sunday, and complete every single day of a training plan (October 6). I will also run a 1/2 marathon on November 11, 2013. (Note: these races are part of a commitment to myself to run every race I register for. I registered for both of these events earlier this year, and I have simply not participated in countless events I have registered for, thereby wasting money and also feeling like a failure.)
I will post everything I eat and drink on this blog
No more binges, ever again. Ever.
No more candy, sweets, or desserts for the next 365 days (until July 12, 2014.) I will decide next July if it is something I want to reintroduce into my life.
I will post every one of my workouts on this blog
I will blog every single day for the next year. (Though I am not promising long entries).
While right now my focus is on my weight, eating, and exercise habits, I have many other interests, and I do not want this blog to only be about food/fitness related topics. I plan on blogging about whatever is on my mind.
One of the reasons I am doing this is for accountability. If you are reading and have thoughts on what I’m doing (praise or criticism) I’m interested in hearing.
See you tomorrow.