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Day 4 (swedish fish involved)

I’m taking a quick break from work to eat dinner and to blog. As the title suggests, there was a minor breach of my no-candy vow (oops) but, whatever, my main concern is not bingeing and while I am disappointed in my lack of resolve, today went just fine.  I ate:

Breakfast

1 cup whole milk + 1-2 tsp sugar in coffee

2 pieces light wheat toast, cottage cheese, apple

Lunch

Amy’s Cheddar Broccoli Bowl + extra vegetables I added

Snack

1 handful almonds

1 miniature reese’s peanut butter cup and a handful of Swedish fish (no excuses, I was feeling hungry and stressed, but this did not derail me)

Dinner

Handful of baby carrots with hummus

Sweet potato

Steamed market-blend vegetables

Plain greek yogurt with a little sugar free sweetener

I unfortunately need to get back to work, but look forward to writing a substantive blog post later this week.

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Day 3

What a day!

As often happens on Sunday night, I had terrible insomnia.  I woke up about 2 hours after I went to sleep and then didn’t feel tired again until very early in the morning.  While awake, I just read online articles and worried about random things outside of my control (What better way to spend time awake?)  It was so difficult to wake up, and I did not feel very productive today! Often, being extremely tired is a trigger for me to overeat, but I didn’t feel particularly hungry today.  I did have a craving for cookies this afternoon (and someone brought some into work for a birthday) but the thought of having to rationalize breaking my “experiment” after merely 3 days on this blog was enough of a deterrent and I survived the day cookie free.  Here is what I ate:

Breakfast:

3/4 cups whole milk

1-2 tsp. sugar (in coffee)

2 pieces light wheat toast, 1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese, apple

Lunch

Vegetarian sandwich, 1 packet regular ranch dressing, green salad

Snack

Approximately 8 oz. fat free plain chobani yogurt, 2 packets spenda (I know–I’m working on the artificial sweeteners).

Dinner

Kashi Mayan Harvest Bake

And, true to my marathon training plan, I rain three miles tonight after coming home from work.  My husband and I went to the gym together–running (when all I wanted to do was sleep) took all of the willpower I could muster! I felt OK during the run, but felt very tired when I was finished.  I am definitely looking forward to going to bed now.

No exercise planned for tomorrow (my next run is Wednesday) but I will likely have a very long day at work.

Sorry for the boring blog post–though just a warning, the next few days will probably be pretty boring due to the amount of time I will be working, which leaves my brain with few resources necessary to come up with even mildly interesting (much less insightful) blog posts.   Thanks for reading!

 

Update: 1 had about 1 1/2 vegetarian hotdogs (on buns) last night before bed. (Fascinating, I know)

Day 2

Last night, I dreamed that I ate dessert and then forgot about my experiment to not eat dessert for a year. I used to have dreams that I was bingeing that were really realistic and disturbing–unfortunately, those often foreshadowed a real binge. Has anyone else experienced this? While I don’t really buy the whole “sugar addiction” thing in the sense of a physiological addiction, I do think there’s a level of psychological/emotional dependence going on. Several times today, I was feeling tired and stressed out and found myself thinking about having a bowl of ice cream or some candy. The real test will be this week at work–the last few pounds I’ve gained are directly attributable to chocolate around the office. I also need to really work on improving my fluids intake–it pathetic. Here’s what I ate today:

Breakfast–

1 grapefruit with 1 scant tsp. sugar
3/4 cups milk and 1 tsp sugar in my coffee
1/2 cup liquid egg whites
1 flat out wrap
1 slice thin sliced cheddar cheese

Lunch
Sandwich with 2 slices light wheat bread, vegetarian “meat”, mustard, no sugar added bread and butter pickles, thin sliced cheddar cheese.
1 cup plain greek yogurt and mangos.
handful of almonds

Dinner
1/3 cup hummus and baby carrots
Amy’s Indian wrap
Chobani banana yogurt

Snack
1 piece light wheat bread, 1 packet Justin’s almond butter

No exercise today but marathon training “officially” starts tomorrow. I think lunch was probably heavier than it needed to be but I’ve been feeling low energy all day, which tends to make me want to overeat. I think I have a fast metabolism (I’m tall) and historically, I will lose weight simply by getting my butt in gear exercise and stopping bingeing (although I’ve never been able to do that second part consistently).

My husband and I went and bought some new living room furniture today, which I’m really excited about. We’ve never decorated a place we’ve lived in–I’m not much of a decorator, and have never even hanged anything on the walls. Our apartment is pretty depressing, but we’ve never been inclined to spend the money on nice furniture. This morning I thought–we just need to do this. We got a new sectional, area rug, and ottoman–it’s a good start. Our apartment is pretty small–1 bedroom, less than 700 square feet, and we’ve decided that we plan on staying for the next several years, so we might as well make it nice. My husband and I will both be turning 30 over the next year, and it’s about time that our apartment lost its “bachelor pad” feel. Additionally, I don’t have a lot of hobbies/modes of self-expression. Maybe if I could foster an interest in decorating it would be beneficial? Though that seems unlikely (my interest growing up was earthworms).

One of the topics that has been on my mind a lot lately are my complicated feelings about eating disorders treatment. I recently watched a documentary “Thin” (I think that’s what is called but no 100% sure) about an eating disorders treatment center. An epilogue to the documentary indicated that treatment had been completely ineffective for all of the women portrayed on the documentary. While some people–including myself–successfully “recover” from eating disorders, I’m not convinced that treatment necessarily plays a huge role in that. Speaking firsthand, I can say that weight restoration is key for individuals with anorexia, only because you really can’t think clearly when your body fat drops below a critical percentage. So that part of “treatment” is important. And I completely understand the importance of some of the messages that come through in eating disorder treatment about body image, blah blah blah. But some of the messages I received were so out of touch with the weight obsessed society we live in that they weren’t actually useful. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, or what I would propose as an alternative to current treatments. I think that the focus on “meal plans” is not necessarily helpful for people who are obsessed with food, especially because most of the “meal plans” do not even remotely resemble how normal people actually eat, and make anxious people with eating disorders even more mistrustful of individuals “treating” them. For me, I just got to a point where other things in my life were more important to me than my weight, so that I wouldn’t screw up my life by spending all of my time/energy dieting and exercising. I would never go on a super low calorie diet now because it would make it impossible for me to function. I don’t think that treatment necessarily helped me get to this point–I think it would’ve happened anyway. But I’ve never found therapy particularly useful.

OK, I’m officially rambling. But if anyone reading has any thoughts about this, I’d be interested in hearing some other perspectives.

Day 1

So, I weighed in this morning–173.1. According to a BMI chart, that makes me less than 1 pound within being overweight (Which I think, for my height, begins at 174). However, I don’t need BMI to tell me that I am 15-20 pounds too heavy for my build.

I did 45 minutes on the elliptical this morning, level 8 (I used to be able to do level 14, but my fitness has declined). I have finished my eating today–here is what I ate:

When I woke up–
Light OJ (I know this isn’t necessarily great, but I finished the bottle this a.m. and won’t buy it anymore)

Lunch
2 pieces wheat toast (light)
1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese
1 granny smith apple

A few hours later
1 chobani banana yogurt
about 15-20 almonds

Dinner
2 lightlife vegetarian hotdogs (I don’t eat meat)
2 light wheat buns
A little ketchup and mustard

Snack
Baby carrots and hummus

I also chewed a pack of orbit kids gum throughout the day–I was doing work, and this is a habit of mine.

The day isn’t over yet, but one area where I could use some improvement is drinking some additional water. I tend not to drink enough during the day, and I tend to drink too much diet soda (which I don’t have in the house right now).

All in all, I’m pleased with how today went. I normally eat breakfast but after pigging out yesterday I didn’t feel hungry until later in the day.

I wish this early post could be more substantive, but I’ve been doing work all day (which is writing intensive) and my brain is zapped. Also, it’s early in the blog and I want to be cautious of having to many revealatory posts before I’ve built up any credibility.

I’ll definitely get some exercise tomorrow, but I’m not sure what I will do because my marathon training program begins “officially” on Monday. I will be following the following plan, which from what I can tell is the bare minimum required to complete a marathon (I have done a marathon before and have done lots of half marathons, including one earlier this year, so I have some notion of what I’m getting myself into). http://www.womensrunninguk.co.uk/12weekmarathonplan.obyx

If anyone reading has run a marathon on minimal training, I’d love to hear any tips (or war stories).

Day 0

Although new beginnings are associated with a “fresh start” or “opportunity” or “hope,” I’ve already started what I’m about to begin several times, and failed.  As I will discuss further over the next days, weeks, months, and years, I have had issues with food since I began adolescence.  Those have morphed and changed form over time.  Now, I’m in a mostly health place, but still binge eat from time to time. While my weight is unremarkable, I’m very uncomfortable with how I look.  This isn’t a lack of acceptance or “feeling fat” — I am legitimately more heavy than is attractive for my frame.  Mostly, I’m unhappy with the fact that I would naturally be probably 10-20 pounds thinner than I am now if I didn’t consume vast quantities of junk food 2-3 times per week, without consistently exercising. 

My issues are complicated, and it’s taken me a long time to get to where I sit today.  It will take me awhile to explain.  In the meantime, I am determined to get unstuck.  While I have definitely made mental progress, my eating habits are not significantly than they were in 2006 (or may be earlier).  Sure, I’ve made mental progress — I no longer panic after bingeing, and my binges are smaller than they used to be (since I stopped panicking afterwards), but the fact is, I’m still not as healthy or as happy as I could be.  At this point, it’s just habit that’s holding me back.  No “epiphany” or “ah ha” moment will magically cause me to stop eating the way I do.  And I don’t engage in any crazy restrictive behaviors that would cause binges in a healthy person.  In many ways, food is my “drug.”  If I want to stop, I just need to stop.  Like any addict, I am writing this after a day of bingeing.   But I’m done.  Right now.  The fact that I’ve decided to change doesn’t mean that it will be easy or that I won’t sometimes miss old behaviors.  I know that I will.  But, it’s time to move forward.  I’ve been battling the same demons for waaaayyyyy too long, and a lot of it is simply laziness–psychological, emotional, and otherwise. 

Some information about me—

(Current stats)

I am just over 5’10”

I was born in 1984

I will post my current weight tomorrow. and periodically after that

 (Goals)
I will run a marathon 12 weeks from Sunday, and complete every single day of a training plan  (October 6).  I will also run a 1/2 marathon on November 11, 2013.  (Note: these races are part of a commitment to myself to run every race I register for.  I registered for both of these events earlier this year, and I have simply not participated in countless events I have registered for, thereby wasting money and also feeling like a failure.)

I will post everything I eat and drink on this blog

No more binges, ever again.  Ever.

No more candy, sweets, or desserts for the next 365 days (until July 12, 2014.)  I will decide next July if it is something I want to reintroduce into my life.

I will post every one of my workouts on this blog

I will blog every single day for the next year.  (Though I am not promising long entries).

While right now my focus is on my weight, eating, and exercise habits, I have many other interests, and I do not want this blog to only be about food/fitness related topics.  I plan on blogging about whatever is on my mind.

One of the reasons I am doing this is for accountability.  If you are reading and have thoughts on what I’m doing (praise or criticism) I’m interested in hearing.

See you tomorrow.